These are among my favorite…
Jokes:
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. When he finishes, the bartender asks if he’d like another. “No, I think not,” he replies, whereupon he disappears and hasn’t been heard from since.
*
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don’t know. How many?
Six.
Why six?
IT JUST DOES, THAT’S ALL!!!
Quotes:
I was walking down along the street and I heard this voice saying, “Good evening, Mr. Dowd.” Well, I turned around and here was this big six-foot rabbit leaning up against a lamp-post. Well, I thought nothing of that because when you’ve lived in a town as long as I’ve lived in this one, you get used to the fact that everybody knows your name. – Mary Chase. “Harvey”
*
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. – Joseph Heller, “Catch-22″
*
‘Please don’t talk,’ said the nun. ‘That’s all right mother,’ I said, ‘they can’t hear me because of the noise of the traffic and because they aren’t listening. And it wouldn’t make any difference if they did. They’re too young to learn, and if they weren’t they wouldn’t want to.’ ‘It’s dangerous for you to talk, you’re very seriously ill.’ ‘Not so seriously as you’re well. How don’t you enjoy life, mother. I should laugh all round my neck at this minute if my shirt wasn’t a bit on the tight side.’ ‘It would be better for your to pray.’ ‘Same thing mother.’ – Joyce Cary, “The Horse’s Mouth”
*
The benefactors of humanity deserve due honour and commemoration. Let us build a Pantheon for professors. It should be located among the ruins of one of the gutted cities of Europe or Japan, and over the entrance to the ossuary I would inscribe, in letters six or seven feet high, the simple words: SACRED TO THE MEMORY OF THE WORLD’S EDUCATORS. SI MONUMENTUM REQUIRIS CIRCUMSPICE. — Aldous Huxley
*
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach’s sake. — 1 Timothy 5:23
*
[H]e which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse:
We would not die in that man’s company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
Shakespeare, Henry V, Act IV, sc. iii
*
Exit, pursued by a bear. — Shakespeare, A Winter’s Tale, Act III, sc. iii
*
For if once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. — Thomas de Quincey
*
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of more serious crimes, like eating his salad with the wrong fork. — Uncle Dave
Movies:
Dalton Trumbo’s “Johnny Got His Gun.” FINALLY released on DVD.
“It Happened One Night.” Probably the second greatest movie ever filmed (after “Citizen Kane.”)
“We’re No Angels.” No, not the trashy remake with Sean Penn, but the real McCoy. Humphrey Bogart, Peter Ustinov and Aldo Ray star in the best Christmas movie ever. Ustinov is in particularly fine fettle and gives the best legal summation since Clarence Darrow.
Beautiful women:
You can keep today’s entire crop. For sheer classic beauty, give me Greta Garbo, Audrey Hepburn and the young Elizabeth Taylor, the three most beautiful women of the 20th Century.