Archive for August, 2009

Santa Rita Blues

…and how to avoid the same

Santa Rita is the county jail in Alameda County, California.  That’s where they take you if you’re arrested by a county sheriff or a CHP officer, if you are awaiting a trial or if a court has sentenced you to jail time.  It temporarily houses murderers, rapists, child molesters, gang members and drug runners, but it’s also where guys go who don’t pay their child support.

I don’t do very much family law anymore, but I did for many years and in all that time I only had two fathers sentenced to spend any time at Santa Rita.  Most family law attorneys have many more of these stories than I have.  I guess I’m just an old softie.

The first one wasn’t really a bad guy – just stupid.  He had three children from his first marriage and a new wife.  One November, he quit paying child support for about three months and his kids had almost no Christmas that year at all.  All of mom’s money went for rent, food and clothing and Santa Claus was as mythical that year as the guy from the government who’s here to help you.

In the meantime, however, he had a $5,000 spa installed in his back yard and he and the new wife took off on a winter jaunt to Disneyland.  (Warning: if you’re going to buy expensive toys instead of paying child support, hide the toys from the kids when they come to visit.)

*

A word about contempt of court: The parent who’s supposed to be paying child support can be sentenced to up to five days in jail for each missed payment if he or she is found to be in contempt.  But the other parent (let’s face it – it’s usually the mom) has to prove that 1) dad had knowledge of the order for support, 2) he was able to make the payment if he chose (we say he had the “means to comply” with the court order), and 3) he didn’t make the payment.

The “means to comply” with the order doesn’t mean that dad has a bunch of money left over at the end of the month.  His kids are supposed to come first.  So it is no defense that he’s living in a $6,000-a-month penthouse apartment or he just bought some expensive new toys.  If, on the other hand, he had been laid off work, or fired, or his hours severely cut, or he had expensive emergency medical care, then he probably wasn’t able to make his support payments.

Also, most judges are reluctant to impose jail time, even if dad is found to be in contempt.  They’re more interested in seeing that the support is paid.  The norm is something like, “Mr. X, I find you guilty of two counts of contempt of court and sentence you to ten days in the county jail.  But I’m going to stay [postpone] that sentence and give you a chance to purge yourself of the contempt.  Bring your support payments current within 90 days and I’ll dismiss the contempt charges.”

*

This first guy, however, was too stupid to plead stupidity.  If he had only just put a big dumb look on his face and said, “Gee, judge, I didn’t realize it worked that way.  I’m sorry.  Give me a chance and I’ll make it right,” he’d have gotten off with nothing more than a lecture.

Instead, he went on the attack.

“Mr. ____,” I asked him when he was on the stand.  “Isn’t it true that you bought a $5,000 spa last November?”

“Who told you that,” he demanded.

“I’m sorry.  That doesn’t matter.  Did you buy the spa?”

“That’s none of your business!”

Mister _________,” interrupted the judge.  “Answer the question.  Did you or did you not buy a spa last November?”

“I really don’t see what that has to do with –“ he persisted.

Did you or did you not?” the judge almost roared.

“I guess so.”

The subject of Disneyland was more of the same.

In the end, the judge sentenced him to 15 days in Santa Rita, ordered him to actually serve five days and suspended 10 days on condition that child support was made current within a certain amount of time.

After his long weekend as a guest of the county, he told his former wife that he would never – ever – miss a support payment again.  “I never want to go through anything like that again.”

*

The second guy definitely deserved it.  Mom had turned her life around since they had been together, but he still fancied himself a gangsta.  He had the means to pay support, but nobody was going to tell him what to do.

The judge found him guilty of six counts of contempt – for a total of 30 days jail time – and asked me what my client wanted him to do.

“Well, judge, we’re not really interested in putting him in jail,” I said.  “I was thinking maybe just a couple of days to get his attention and then –“

“Couple days to get my attention,” the guy muttered/sneered.  “I don’t need nobody to get my attention.  Huh!  Get my attention.”

“Okay, that’s it,” the judge snapped.  “I’m sentencing you to 30 days in Santa Rita starting today.  Mr. Court Attendant, please escort Mr. ________ to a holding cell.”

As far as I know, my client never did get her back child support.

*

So, as I’ve written before, I’m a member of the Pro Bono Players, who sing song parodies to the law community about legal issues.  I occasionally submit a song of my own and they’re always rejected.  This one, I kinda like.  It’s to the tune of Alan Sherman’s “Camp Granada.”

Hello Mudda, life’s been neatah;
I’m locked up in Santa Rita.
All I said was, “Judge, you’re a phony.
You can’t make me pay that stupid alimony.”

I was witty, devastating.
Now my few-chah’s worth debating.
All I said was “No more support.
Fifteen days ain’t half of my contempt for this court.”

Take me home where life was sweetah.
Take me home; hate Santa Rita.
Don’t leave me to sit in jail and rust,
(A skinhead’s eyeing me with lust.)

Bail me out. I’m sorry for the things I said.
I told the judge to soak his head.
I said his mother was a hound;
You know…I like to kid around.

I might have mentioned kangaroo court
And said “Heil Hitlah,” but he’s a poor sport.
Thirty days now is the rumah.
Mudda what’s a judge without a sense of humah.

The Mouths of Babes

The Easter Bunny and Sex Education

Easter has always been a big deal in my wife’s household.  When my step-daughter was small, the Easter Bunny would always hide eggs, candy and prizes all over the back yard (there were even biscuits for the dogs to hunt out) and would leave a poem containing clues for where to search.  (The Easter poem tradition continues today for Kristi and her husband.)

When Kristi was about seven years old, a relative on her father’s side of the family died just before Easter.  She wasn’t really familiar with death, except for the death of one of her mother’s dogs.  Marianne worried about how Kristi would take the news, so she got all serious at dinnertime and announced that she had some bad news.

Obviously anticipating the worst news she could imagine, Kristi became all teary and sobbed, “You mean the Easter Bunny died?!”

*

But not much more than a year later, she was all grown up and already a cynic.  I no longer remember what bad news prompted Marianne to sit the kid down and say, “I have to tell you something.”

Kristi sighed, rolled her eyes and with obvious boredom asked,  “Okay, so who died?”

*

When she was about eight or nine, we came home from shopping to find a message on the answering machine.  It was one of Kristi’s school friends.

“Kristi, guess what!” the girl gushed.  “I got…I got…a B-R-A-W!”

*

And then there was Sex Ed.  We must have done something right because she grew up unembarrassed by the subject and felt she could ask us pretty much anything (not that she always did.)  As a freshman at Bishop O’Dowd High School, she had to take a one-semester course called “Christian Sexuality.”  The course not only covered pretty detailed and graphic mechanics, but also morals, responsibility, caring and family values.

(This is an aside, but I have to give a nod to the teacher, Fr. Malo, one of the priests from the Order of Saint Basil, the Catholic order that runs the school.  One of his lessons was about love and loss and showing your loved ones – right now – how much you love them.  He had the students take four small slips of paper and write on each the name of a person they loved.  They then laid out the papers on their desk and, very slowly, Fr. Malo walked up and down the rows randomly taking one paper from each student’s desk.

(He explained to the students that that person had just died unexpectedly and asked them how they felt about it and what they would do or say if they could roll back time.  And then he repeated the process, taking one more name away from each student.

(Kristi had written the names of her dad, her mom, me and her Uncle Dale.  By the end of the hour, she relayed to us, the entire class was in tears and all of them vowed to go home and tell their loved ones how much they were loved.)

But back to sex.  Show-off that she was as the result of being an only child of liberal parents, she was the first to volunteer when Fr. Malo asked who would like to put the condom on the banana to show the rest of the class how it was done.

By liberal “parents,” I mean her mother and me.  Even to her father, she referred to us as her “parents.”  At about age 12, in the perverse way that kids have, she asked her father what a “virgin” was.  “Uh…I think that means a young girl,” he stammered, and she found the story hilarious when she relayed it to us.

*

When she was 15, I bought her what I hoped was her first pack of condoms.  Her mother and I decided it would be more appropriate coming from me, so I grabbed a pack at the store (skipping over the “extra large” and the “Ribbed – For Her Pleasure” in favor of plain old Trojans), sat down with her in her bedroom, reminded her gently about pregnancy and STDs and said as long as she was careful and discrete, her mother and I would never ask her any questions.

*

Years later, she told us that every time she used one, she was careful to buy another one to replace it with just in case we were snooping through her purse to count the missing condoms.  Well, at least she was using them.  Usually.

“Now, Kris,” I said in mock disappointment.  “You know we always said that as long as you didn’t go off the deep end, we wouldn’t snoop or ask any questions.”

“Yeah, I know.  But you also said I should be careful.”

*

When she was a senior, her mother and I were joking a bit about sex when Kristi suddenly announced, “I haven’t had sex in more than six months.”

I told you the kid was perverse.  She loved saying things just to see what the reaction would be.  But Marianne and I both bit our lips and didn’t pursue it at the time.  But a couple of weeks later, immediately after her graduation, I took her out rowing on a nearby lake.

“So,” I began.  “About this lost virginity of yours.”

“What do you want to know?” she offered simply.

“No, baby.  I don’t want to ask you anything.  I want to know if there’s anything you want to ask me.  Sex can be pretty complicated and confusing, and we’ve always told you we’ll be here for you.”

*

And then there was the story I call “Robbie and The Hooters,” as if they were a doo-wop group.

Kristi had a friend named, of course, Robbie, with whom she spent a fair amount of time talking on the telephone.  Like all hormonal teenaged boys, he was obsessed with breasts – only they talk about it with girls today, unlike when I was that age.

Kristi found it quite amusing.  “And Robbie’s all ‘Dude, if I had me a pair of hooters, I’d just be playing with them all the time.’ “

“Well, that just goes to show how immature boys are at that age,” I said, slowly setting her up.  “When he gets older he’ll learn that boobs aren’t the most important thing in the world.”

“Okay, Mister Smart-Ass,” she challenged.  “And just what is?”

“Pussy,” I said simply.

“Oh, Steve, you’re disgusting.”

“Well, it’s your own fault,” Marianne laughed.  “You had to ask!”

*

When she was in college, she and most of her friends managed to find a purveyor of fake drivers licences so they could go bar hopping on the weekends.  One evening a nice-looking girl kept following her around and hitting on her.  Kristi kept drifting off into the crowd to try to escape, but the girl kept following, asking questions and making conversation and subtle suggestions.

Now, the kid is not homophobic, but she was beginning to get uncomfortable from the unwanted attention.  Eventually, she made her way back to the bar – followed, of course – and ordered some exotic cocktail or other.

“Ummm, that looks good,” cooed the stranger.

“Well it doesn’t taste like pussy, you carpet muncher!” Kristi snapped before storming out.

*

Saving the best for last, we move back to middle school again, and first to an out-of-town soccer tournament where one of the teams was from the California town of Clovis.  I nudged Kristi in the ribs and pointed to the word “Clovis” on the back of one of the girls’ jerseys and we both burst out laughing, to the total confusion of the other parents.

It seems that earlier that year, her class had had the one- or two-hour course on sex education, complete with movie which the parents were invited to preview before it was shown to the kids.  I found it pretty bland, compared with the information she’d already gotten at home.  Years before, we had bought an illustrated book that promoted itself as appropriate for her age group and, instead of reading it to her, or giving it to her to read, we asked her to read it to us.

But even after the book and the middle-school sex-ed class, she was still a little confused about the anatomy thing.

“Steve, what do they call that really sensitive little spot that a woman has?” she asked one day.  “Is that a clovis?”

So no wonder that the soccer moms thought we’d lost our minds laughing uproariously at the name of a team’s home town.

The Boy Who Burned Himself

In which I am magically transformed from

The World’s Greatest Attorney to The World’s Worst

The Volunteer Legal Services Corporation (VLSC), a subdivision of the Alameda County Bar Association, recruits attorneys who offer to provide free or low-cost legal help to low-income clients left stranded when President Reagan gutted Legal Aid.  Every year they recognize the attorneys who provide more than 50 hours of pro bono services by presenting them with the Wiley Manuel Award (named after a distinguished Alameda County jurist.)  I won the award one year – all due to one client.

But people tend not to value what they receive for free.


*

The poor kid was about eight years old when he tried playing with matches one day and lit his highly flammable pajamas on fire, leaving him with third-degree burns over ninety percent of his body.  The lawsuit wouldn’t be settled for some years yet.

Aside from the excruciatingly painful baths and skin grafts, he spent the next several months in a “pressure suit” and having to do painful stretching exercises every day to keep his re-growing skin from tightening and restricting his mobility.

Unfortunately, his parents were divorced and too immature themselves to cooperate over the boy’s rehab.  Father blamed mother for the accident and mother was convinced that father wasn’t capable of raising their son.  It’s not an untypical story.

Father was a bit of a control freak, who insisted that the boy do his exercises on schedule and wasn’t softened by the kid’s tears.  Stacy, the mother, who had primary custody, didn’t usually follow through on the regimen.  She was too busy with her own life to be able to give her son the attention he needed.  All she knew was that the boy was “her dolly” and she wasn’t going to share him with anyone.

Father filed a motion for change of custody; VLSC referred Stacy to me and I agreed to take the case.

There followed several hearings and many mediation sessions with Family Court Services.  The mediator went well beyond what they generally have the time or budget to do, interviewing not only mom and dad, but the boy’s doctors, mom’s family, dad’s family and anyone who could help her formulate a difficult and potentially heart-breaking recommendation to the court.

During these hearings, I grew to like dad less and less.  So I fought for Stacy, even though I believed at the time that she was only the lesser of the two evils.  Hour after hour of conferences and court appearances, until I had racked up well over $10,000.00 in free legal services.  (My opposing counsel, now retired, and for whom I had the greatest respect, was also working at a severely reduced hourly rate.)

Finally, the court date arrived at which the mediator’s report and recommendation would be presented to the parties and the court.  As is fairly usual, we didn’t see it ahead of time and went into court with no idea what to expect.

The recommendation was to transfer custody to dad.  That afternoon.

The report was several pages long, detailing the research that had gone into it, the difficulty involved in making the recommendation, and ending with a well-reasoned analysis of how the conclusion had been reached.  In a nutshell, it was tragic that the kid’s parents couldn’t work together, but his physical health meant that he had to be given to his father.

I did my best, but the judge adopted the recommendation.  Stacy was livid and began screaming in the courtroom at the top of her lungs.  I practically dragged her out into the corridor and attempted to calm her down.

No use.  She threw her purse the length of the hallway and began ranting that she was going home immediately to grab the boy and disappear.  I was beginning to be more than a little frightened at her hysterics and at the thought of her taking her son away from his doctors.

When my opposing counsel came out of the courtroom, Stacy had worked herself up into a fine shape.

“I’m going home right now!  I’ll get him out of school and take him to Mexico!  He’s not going with that son of a bitch!  I’ll make sure they never find us!  When he gets there to pick him up, we’ll be long gone!”

“Steve, I’m going back in to tell the judge about this,” opposing counsel warned.  I nodded.

And I held Stacy there.  Under the guise of trying to calm her down, but actually physically restraining her until the court attendant (they’re not called bailiffs or marshals anymore) got there.

“Stacy!  Listen to me!  You can’t do this!  Just calm down for a minute!  You’re going to get yourself in big trouble!”  All the while holding her by the shoulders and blocking her from leaving.

The court attendant finally came out, took her firmly by the arm and escorted her back into the courtroom, where the judge ordered her to sit in the jury box and advised her ex-husband to go get the boy immediately.

But did this stop her screaming?  Not a bit.

I sat with her in the jury box, where I had a prime view of the court reporter’s laptop computer whose software automatically transcribed everything the reporter was taking down.  Long afterwards, it seemed funny.

“You can’t do this to me, you asshole!” Stacy screamed, and the computer screen read You can’t do this to me, you asshole.

“Stacy, shut up!” I snapped, worried that the judge would hold her in contempt and have her carted off to jail, and the computer screen read Stacy, shut up.

*

I could no longer justify representing Stacy.  She had shot all of her credibility with me and I was willing to accept the mediator’s recommendation.

But less than two weeks later, she was on the telephone again.

“I want to make a motion to have the judge reconsider his ruling,” she said.  “You did a great job for me and I want you to file the motion.”

“I’m sorry, Stacy,” I said, as calmly as I was able.  “But I’m finished.  You’ll have to find another attorney.”

And the screaming began again.  “You’re the worst attorney I’ve ever had!  You didn’t do anything for me!  You fucked up my case and made me lose my son!  I’m going to report you to the State Bar!”

Half an hour later, Stacy’s mother was on the phone, with but a variation on a theme.  Many clients expect their attorneys to work magic, but the speed of this transformation from best attorney to worst must certainly be some sort of record.

*

This was not the only case that demonstrated to me that the most demanding clients are those who aren’t paying.

But at least I won the Wiley Manuel Award.  More than 50 free hours in one year.  And all for one client.

Model City — Chapter 7

Introduction to Oklahoma

Just like Rising Moon, Falling Pants, Running Nose
Like those Indians, I’m an Indian too:
A Sioux.

Irving Berlin.

1540 – 1900


The 89ers Day Parade always began with the Shriners on their white horses – at least a dozen of them, prancing proudly down the cobblestone streets of Guthrie.  Later would come Shriners on their white motorcycles and later still more Shriners in their white Cadillacs.  Guthrie, then only incidentally the former capital city of Oklahoma, was more importantly the proud home of a Masonic Temple.  All Oklahoma Masons made at least an annual pilgrimage to this sleepy little town on the Cimarron River.

We made at least a bi-weekly pilgrimage.  Except on 89ers Day, Guthrie to us was the home of Grandma Collins: Daisy, formerly Dimick, nee Crick; daughter of Susie Crick, three-quarters Cherokee and whom I knew only as a tiny wrinkled woman, hardly five feet tall and bearing a funny (to a six-year-old) resemblance to an Egyptian mummy.

Susie passed for white.  Being an Indian then was hard work.  Ethnic pride had yet to be invented – or if it had, it was reserved only for Anglos.

On a Sunday afternoon, the whole Dimick “tribe” (not my word, but my Aunt Verna’s, and used only in such phrases as “I swear, I don’t know what’s the matter with this tribe”) gathered at Daisy’s house.  Women cooked and did the dishes.  Men smoked, watched television and churned ice cream.  Children, whom everyone professed to love but nobody really wanted hanging around, were at least useful for sitting on the freezer container while the men cranked.  After dark, the women drank coffee in the living room, the men smoked and played poker in the dining room and the kids caught fireflies on the lawn.

But on April 22, or the nearest weekend day to it, the town belonged to the 89ers.

Not far behind the white horses were the American Legion troops.  Their horses were just horses. Nobody had money like the Shriners.  Then came buckboards, horse-drawn carriages, the occasional sulky, clowns, flag carriers, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, 4-H-ers, floats, walkers, riders, bicyclists, stilt-walkers, penny-farthing riders, unicyclists, school children.

And then the 89ers themselves, survivors of the great Land Run of 1889.  Usually in buckboards or carriages, but some in convertibles.  Most in period costume:  flowing dresses and large-billed sunbonnets that looked like upside-down coal scuttles.  Most of them were interchangeable with Grandma Crick–small, toothless and shriveled–but beaming for the cheers and whistles of the crowd.

Every year, of course, there were fewer of them.

(Why do I only remember women?  Because men’s costumes haven’t changed all that much since the 19th century or because, sixty-plus years after The Run, few but women were left?)

In the age of television and airplanes, these living relics linked us to our roots, to an age when folks were self-sufficient and didn’t answer to bosses, when people made their own destinies and the government was no more intrusive than the occasional mosquito, when comfortable cotton farms were wrested from rock-hard former buffalo grounds.  They were our spirit.  They were our inspiration.  They were what we thought we were and longed to be but weren’t and wouldn’t.

They were the relics of one of the grandest High Adventures of all time:  in audacity second only to the Crusades; in scope, third behind the Crusades and the California gold rush.  But beyond the borders of Oklahoma, few people have even heard of the Oklahoma Land Run of 1889, and fewer still have more than a vague notion of what it was or what it meant.

What it was was the penultimate betrayal of the country’s original inhabitants by the conquering hordes.  It was the beginning of the end of an age; the first rusty squeaks of the closing of the frontier; Manifest Destiny fulfilled.  It was sea to shining sea and it signaled clearly that the frontier wars were over.

What it meant was that the white man had won.

**

Actually, there were no “frontier wars.”  At least not west of the Mississippi.  The big Indian wars occurred much farther east and a century before.  By the Nineteenth Century, the struggle between whites and Indians had been reduced to the occasional skirmish or the occasional massacre (of whites by Indians; of Indians by whites), with seldom more than a very few hundred dead.

Custer’s doomed Seventh Cavalry numbered only slightly more than 200 men when it was wiped out at Little Big Horn in 1876.  One hundred and fifty Indians were killed at the Wounded Knee Massacre in 1890.  Not to make light of these tragedies, but the numbers pale by comparison with almost any battle of the American Civil War.  The Battle of Gettysburg, for instance, resulted in more than 51,000 casualties.

What the frontier had, and what the real Indian “wars” lacked was public relations.  The tragic King Philip’s War (1675; long, cruel, crushingly expensive and resulting in at least 4,000 deaths) received scanty coverage, if at all, in colonial newspapers.  But by the last half of the Nineteenth Century, the railroad, the telegraph, a growing sensationalist press and an increasingly literate populace made frontier exploits almost a national pastime.  Heroic cavalry and ruthless, scalping Indians were daily fodder for the East Coast press.

A dumping ground for America’s unwanted savages, a lawless outpost in the middle of a “civilized” country and the next-to-last contiguous state admitted to the Union, Oklahoma became the archetype for the movie and television myth of the “Old West.”

*

The first European to explore Oklahoma was Francisco Vásquez de Coronado, who passed through in 1540 on his fruitless search for the Seven Cities of Gold. In 1682, France claimed the province of Louisiana (which included the future Oklahoma) from Spain, but it was not until 1719 that Gaston du Rivage made a more extensive exploration of the future state.  Du Rivage reported visiting an agricultural tribe, the Wichitas, and noted a fierce band of nomadic and warlike tribesmen, the Apaches.

The Wichitas, whose tribal structure was organized into what were essentially city-states, seemed to be born diplomats, enlisting other tribes to carry out their warfare for them.  French traders and trappers began filtering into Northeastern Oklahoma and the Red River area farther south and the French did their best to establish trading treaties with the Oklahoma natives, particularly the Wichitas.

By the Treaty of Paris in 1763, ending the French and Indian War, Spain regained control of Louisiana, but lost it to the French again in 1800, during the Napoleonic Wars.  Not particularly interested in the swamps and deserts of the Louisiana Territory, France sold the province to the United States in 1803, in what has become known as the Louisiana Purchase.

As an opera lover, I used to be mildly amused when viewing or listening to Puccini’s Manon Lescaut, in which the title character and her lover, Des Grieux, are “alone, lost and abandoned” in the Louisiana desert just before they die in the final scene.

I’ve been to New Orleans and to barren northern Louisiana, wherein is located Fort Polk, site of my Army basic training and of my greatest humiliations.  “The armpit [or worse, even] of the planet,” we used to call it.  But it still would not qualify as a desert.

At the time in which the opera was set, however, “Louisiana” stretched from New Orleans to the southern parts of Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta, and from the Mississippi to the Rocky Mountains – almost a fourth of the contiguous states’ land area, and definitely including such desert states as Oklahoma, North and South Dakota and Wyoming.  So who knows which of the many available Louisiana deserts saw the end of Manon and Des Grieux?

*

After the Louisiana Purchase, American trappers and traders began replacing the French, dealing largely in beaver.  When the beaver were all trapped out they turned to other fur-bearers and finally to buffalo.

Buffalo – an estimated 15 million of them ranging from Canada to Mexico – were the lifeblood of the plains.  Much more than a source of meat, their hides made clothing and teepees, their hair made rope, their bones made tools and their sinews bowstrings.  Plains Indian culture was more than dependent upon the buffalo; it was centered on the buffalo.

The buffalo and most of the traditional culture would disappear before the century was out.

*

The country’s northeastern Indians had been largely tamed or exterminated by the nineteenth century, and now the tribes in the southeast were beginning to feel the pressures of advancing European settlers.  The Indians, the settlers and the government were all aware of the rising tensions.

Some government officials began promoting the idea of devoting land west of the Mississippi – well beyond anybody’s dreams of American expansion at the time – as a permanent homeland for the Indians.  And some of them even believed it would be in the best interests of the tribes to be free from white encroachment.  In negotiating the Louisiana Purchase, one of President Jefferson’s goals was to establish an Indian homeland.

In 1804, Congress authorized the executive branch to begin negotiating with the Indians for relocation to “Indian Country,” a vaguely defined area from the Red River (the present Oklahoma-Texas border) on the south, up through Kansas and part of Nebraska.  Factions of some tribes voluntarily agreed to relocate, believing it desirable to escape the encroachment and vicious harassment of the white settlers.

Although the state was later home to more than 60 Indian tribes on more than 25 separate reservations, Oklahoma history from this period usually focuses on the so-called Five Civilized Tribes: the Cherokees, Choctaws, Chickasaws, Creeks and Seminoles.

The Five Civilized Tribes occupied huge ancestral lands in the southeast United States.  Unlike the Plains Indians, they were settled, largely agricultural people, with towns, permanent housing and organized governments.  They adapted more easily to the white man’s ways than did the nomadic tribes, and intermarried easily.  The mixed-bloods frequently became almost a separate caste and, in many cases, a superior one – although no caste was superior to the whites.  My great-grandmother, Susan Thornberry Crick, was an example.  Passing for white was superior even to being a mixed-blood Indian.

*

The removal of the Indians from the southeast is usually illustrated by the story of the Cherokees.  This tribe was not the most numerous, did not receive the largest slice of Indian Territory, nor did it endure the greatest hardships of any tribe.  But it was, in the eyes of the whites, the most “civilized.”  It intermarried more than the other tribes with the Scotch and Irish settlers of the South, it had an advanced system of government and its people lived (for the most part) in houses.

In addition, from about 1821, it was literate. Sequoyah, a half-blood Cherokee, spent twelve years developing a Cherokee alphabet, which he called “talking leaves.”  It was so simple and effective that anyone who spoke Cherokee could learn to read and write in two weeks and the Cherokee Nation became literate almost overnight.

The Cherokee thus became the Noble Indian – in a sense the white man’s pet – its removal from its ancestral lands to the hills of Oklahoma all the more tragic because its people were almost like civilized folks.  The annual “Trail of Tears” pageant at Tahlequah, Oklahoma, wouldn’t draw nearly so many tourists if it featured the nomadic and warlike Comanches or Apaches.

*

And who am I, condensing 350 years of history into a single chapter, to take issue with this viewpoint?  After all, I’m an Indian, too.  A Cherokee.

*

In the early nineteenth century, about 20,000 Cherokees occupied ancestral lands in North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Georgia and Alabama.  They have been divided by historians into those more European-oriented, the “Upper Cherokees,” and those more tied to the land and the ways of their ancestors, the “Lower Cherokees.”  The Lower Cherokees met with President Jefferson’s representatives in 1808 and voluntarily agreed to move to Arkansas, believing they would then be free to continue their ancient lifestyle.

In 1817, the Upper and Lower Cherokees met with U.S. representatives (including future president Andrew Jackson) and negotiated an exchange: the tribe would cede approximately one-third of its holdings in the east in exchange for title to the Arkansas lands where their relatives were already settled, free transportation to the west for the rest of the tribe and other minor considerations.  Three years later, almost a third of the Cherokees had voluntarily moved west.  But by 1828, white settlers were already encroaching on the Arkansas lands and white hunters were poaching its game.  Another treaty – and another move – was in order.

The government then granted the Cherokees a large tract of Indian Territory (Oklahoma) land, payment for improvements made on their Arkansas land, an annual stipend, further payment for the eastern Cherokees who agreed to move to Oklahoma and free access to any hunting grounds west of their Oklahoma lands, an area which became known as the Cherokee Outlet.
The treaty, as solemn and binding as any other treaty negotiated with an Indian tribe, recited that

it being the anxious desire of the Government of the United States to secure to the Cherokee nation of Indians…a permanent home, and which shall, under the most solemn guarantee of the United States, be, and remain, theirs forever— a home that shall never, in all future time, be embarrassed by having extended around it the lines, or placed over it the jurisdiction of a Territory or State, nor be pressed upon by the extension, in any way, of any of the limits of any existing Territory or State…

[Therefore]…The United States agree to possess the Cherokees, and to guarantee it to them forever, and that guarantee is hereby solemnly pledged, of seven millions of acres of land…

In addition to the seven millions of acres thus provided for…the United States further guarantee to the Cherokee Nation a perpetual outlet, West, and a free and unmolested use of all the Country lying West of the Western boundary of the above described limits, and as far West as the sovereignty of the United States, and their right of soil extend.

All the way to the Pacific Ocean, if you read it literally.  But the guarantee wouldn’t last.

*

Also in 1828 the skilled Indian fighter Andrew Jackson, was elected president.  Jackson was not unsympathetic to the plight of the Indians; he simply felt they were in the way of progress and that they had only three choices: relocation, assimilation or annihilation.  In his first State of the Union Address, he noted that while they had once been “uncontrolled possessors” of “vast regions,”

By persuasion and force they have been made to retire from river to river and from mountain to mountain, until some of the tribes have become extinct and others have left but remnants to preserve for a while their once terrible names. Surrounded by the whites with their arts of civilization, which by destroying the resources of the savage doom him to weakness and decay, the fate of the Mohegan, the Narragansett, and the Delaware is fast over-taking the Choctaw, the Cherokee, and the Creek. That this fate surely awaits them if they remain within the limits of the States does not admit of a doubt.

Jackson promised that the tribes’ southern land should be purchased from them, rather than simply taken, and suggested that the “emigration should be voluntary, for it would be as cruel as unjust to compel the aborigines to abandon the graves of their fathers and seek a home in a distant land.”

Congress adopted Jackson’s removal plan for the Indians in 1830, but in his second State of the Union Address in December of that year, he was already waffling on his lofty assurances of the year before.  “Doubtless it will be painful to leave the graves of their fathers,” he said, “but what do they more than our ancestors did or than our children are now doing?”

While again expressing sorrow over the extinction of many northeastern tribes, Jackson this time likened it to the perpetual “extinction of one generation to make room for another” and commented that in the larger context, there was not “any thing in this which…is to be regretted.”

Philanthropy could not wish to see this continent restored to the condition in which it was found by our forefathers. What good man would prefer a country covered with forests and ranged by a few thousand savages to our extensive Republic, studded with cities, towns, and prosperous farms, embellished with all the improvements which art can devise or industry execute, occupied by more than 12,000,000 happy people, and filled with all the blessings of liberty, civilization, and religion?

*

There should be a very lengthy pause here to give President Jackson’s question the weight and consideration it deserves.

*

While the government was negotiating with the Indians, white settlers were doing their part to make removal more desirable – or at least to make it less desirable for Indians to stay on their own lands.  Whites squatted on Indian lands, stole Indian livestock and shot Indian farmers down in their fields for sport or for spite.  Individual resistance was met with arrest; group resistance was seen as savage Indian attacks.  Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi abolished tribal governments and made the tribes subject to an unequal system of state laws.

At the same time, the federal government kept increasing its offers to purchase the Cherokee lands.  Despite this carrot-and-stick approach, the majority tribal faction held fast, demanding a sum of money far beyond the means of the government.  In frustration, federal agents simply turned to the minority faction, negotiating an 1835 treaty which purported to sell all remaining Cherokee lands for $5 million and allowed the tribe two years in which to move to Indian Territory.

By the end of the two-year grace period, relatively few Cherokees had moved, and federal troops and the Georgia militia were ordered to round them up and march them to their new “home.”  While they were being gathered up and placed in stockade forts before the march, white settlers were frequently burning their homes and pillaging their livestock.

The Cherokees were herded almost 1,000 miles, with only such possessions as they could carry, and with little or no provision made for protection from the blistering summer or the freezing winter.  Finally, John Ross, the leader of the majority band of Cherokees, gave in to the inevitable and begged Gen. Winfield Scott to allow him to supervise the removal of the rest of the tribe.
Under Ross’ supervision, the rest of the “removal” was not quite as harsh.  Still, approximately 25 percent of the Eastern Cherokees died on the “Trail of Tears,” mostly the young, the elderly and the infirm.

*

The story of the other four “civilized tribes” is but a variation on a theme, with the Creeks suffering the most.  A faction of the Creeks, known as the “Baton Rouges,” or “Red Sticks,” allied with the British in the War of 1812, and a later group of Creeks staged an uprising against their treatment by the whites in the 1836 “Creek Rebellion.”  For these acts of insubordination, they paid dearly, being treated more harshly during their “removal” than any of the other tribes.

The Choctaws, Chickasaws and Seminoles each also had their own “Trail of Tears.”  In 1855, the Chickasaws were moved from Kansas and Nebraska into Oklahoma, the northern portion of the former Indian Territory was opened for homesteading and the borders of Indian Territory became the present Oklahoma borders.  All of Oklahoma except the Panhandle was divided among the five tribes, where they were expected to live “free and undisturbed forever.”

*

For a very few years, life in Oklahoma was probably better than it had been at any time since the white man arrived in the country.  Largely protected from encroaching settlers, the tribes settled in to establish towns, governments and educational systems, to write constitutions and, in some cases, to build prosperous plantations.

But a movement was afoot in Washington as early as 1854 to assign each tribe member a plot of farmland and to open the remaining land for white settlement.  After all, if a white settler could only homestead 160 acres, why should the Indians be allowed more?  Unsuccessful at first, this plan needed only an excuse for implementation, and that excuse arrived with the Civil War.

The Creeks, Seminoles, Choctaws, Chickasaws and Cherokees were not nomadic tribes like their cousins on the plains, but were a settled people, who for more than 200 years had lived adjacent to the southern whites, had intermarried with them easily and had adopted many of their ways, not the least of which was the practice of slavery.

The tribes not only identified strongly with the South, but festered with years-long resentment against the federal government for their resettlement and for the union’s general laissez-faire attitude toward treaty obligations.  It didn’t help matters that many of Abraham Lincoln’s campaign staff (including later Secretary of State William H. Seward) recommended, during the 1860 presidential campaign, that the Indian lands be taken and opened up for settlement.

Indian Territory was considered strategically important by both the North and the South, as it controlled access to the western states and territories, which both sides hoped to sway to their own cause.  The Creeks, Seminoles and Cherokees were at first reluctant to align themselves with the Confederacy, but a significant Confederate victory in 1861 in Missouri seemed to indicate that the South would control the West.  Although far from unanimously, the tribes allied themselves with the South and began supplying regiments to the Confederacy.

The Oklahoma campaigns, like most Civil War battle theaters, were brutal, confusing and ever-shifting.  The state received but one positive thing from the Civil War: a new hero.  Stand Watie, a Cherokee and something of a military genius, rose to the rank of brigadier general in the Confederate army, becoming the only Indian general on either side of the conflict.  He was also the last Confederate general to surrender.

**

If relocation was the first major blow against the tribes, Reconstruction was the second.  The Oklahoma tribes had committed treason against the United States and had, themselves, broken all of the treaties.  The government informed them that the treaties were nullified and that the Indians, in future, would have only such rights as the United States chose to grant them.  While once they had negotiated from a position of strength, the Indians were now no match for the post-war military might of the United States.  They had no choice but to agree.

First, their governments were dissolved.  Next, their lands were reallocated to make room for another dozen or so tribes being relocated from Kansas.

Later, more plains and western tribes were forcibly removed to Oklahoma.  The Osage, the Kaws, the Sac and Fox, Potawatomies and Iowas.

The Kickapoos, the Poncas, the Pawnees, Otoes, Missouris, Shawnees and Nez Perces.

The Tonkawas, Quapaws, Senecas, Wyandots, Peorias, Miamis, Ottawas, Modocs.

To mention a few.

*

Pacification and relocation of the plains and western tribes was brutal and ruthless.

And, as Jackson had pointed out, inevitable.

*

By the time of the first land run whose anniversary parade I attended in Guthrie for years, the Five Civilized Tribes now occupied only the eastern half of the state, 21 reservations occupied the western half, some tribes now lived in Oklahoma without a reservation and a two-million-acre parcel of land in central Oklahoma, the “Unassigned Lands” was still left over.

Most of the usable public land in the country having long since been homesteaded, the Unassigned Lands were the last and best free land believed to be available to settlers.  A faction which came to be known as the “Boomers” worked for ten years to promote the opening of the lands, and frequently sneaked in to establish overnight settlements before being chased out again by federal marshals.

In 1889, President Grover Cleveland signed a bill authorizing the opening of the territory to settlement.  Because of the huge interest (only about one in three would-be settlers would successfully stake a claim), the civil servants in charge of the opening decided on an approach which had been used a few times years before in Iowa:  the land run.  The date was set for a scant thirty days after the president signed the enabling legislation.

On April 22, 1889, an estimated 50,000 to 75,000 people – farmers, tradesmen and merchants, and including an estimated 10,000 blacks, many part of a movement which hoped to found an all-black state – lined the starting points arranged around the borders of the territory.   Although the territory was patrolled by U.S. marshals, people of course tried to sneak in ahead of the starting time to claim a prime spot.  They became known as “Sooners,” and the state later honored this band of cheats and scofflaws by adopting their nickname as its own.

*

The starting guns were fired at noon and the crowd set off, by buggy or wagon, on horseback and by train: the Santa Fe Railroad already crossed through the territory.  Each eligible family could claim either a 160-acre parcel or a lot in one of the designated town sites, such as Guthrie or Norman.

By nightfall, the population of Guthrie was estimated at 10,000 to 15,000.  Oklahoma Station, a whistle-stop on the Santa Fe line which would later become Oklahoma City, had 10,000 new citizens.

Many children, and even young adults, who made The Run were still alive in the 1950’s.  As they rode the streets of Guthrie in the annual 89ers Day Parade, they were honored as living links between the nineteenth and mid-twentieth centuries.  Or, as the official slogan of the state’s semi-centennial celebration in 1957 put it: “Arrows to Atoms.”

*

Even as the Run of ‘89 was happening, government agents were negotiating with the tribes to carry out the plan first proposed 15 years earlier: the tribes would be allowed to keep 160 acres of land for every adult member on their official rolls (lesser acreage for minors) and the government would buy the rest of each tribe’s land – land that had been promised to “be, and remain, theirs forever” – and open it up for settlement.  Along with this plan came even further resettlement of many of the tribes.

After long and acrimonious negotiations between the Cherokees and the U.S. government over slave rights, the Cherokee government was dissolved and the Cherokees forced to give their former slaves the same rights as Indian tribal members – land and a share of the money from the feds, including the $6 million paid for the Cherokee Strip.  Today, descendants of these freedmen are working to achieve full tribal membership.

Thus, in 1891, 900,000 acres of “surplus” land in the Sac and Fox, Potawatomi, Shawnee and Iowa areas were opened by another run.

In 1892, 3.5 million acres of the former Cheyenne-Arapaho lands were opened.

In 1893, the six-million acre Cherokee Outlet (“a perpetual outlet, West, and a free and unmolested use of all the Country lying…as far West as the sovereignty of the United States…extend[s]”) was the site of a run by nearly 100,000 settlers.

Other Indian areas were settled by runs, lotteries and auctions.  By 1900, the present Oklahoma was divided roughly in half diagonally: Oklahoma Territory in the northwest and Indian Territory in the southeast.

Old Judges, Old Times

“We had characters, then”

As told to me by Judge Dan Grimmer

Not to take away from his considerable legal abilities, but I have always thought of Dan Grimmer as a raconteur, first and foremost. A life-long Fremont resident (Grimmer Blvd. is named after a family member, although I don’t remember if it was his father or his grandfather), he was not only a well-known local attorney before being named to the bench, but was always the hit of any bar function because he could tell the old war stories better than anyone.

All of his stories were hilarious, but some were cruelly hilarious and I can’t publish those here because the worst of them involve judges who are now retired, but still alive. But the attorneys ate them up because even when they weren’t completely true (although most of them were), they easily could have been.

Judge Grimmer recently agreed to sit down with me and spin some yarns while I recorded. The first two stories involve Roy Pucci, a Municipal Court judge who was famously hard of hearing, a condition caused by artillery fire when he was part of the second wave to hit the beaches at Iwo Jima. Despite the heroic cause of his deafness, he was an easy target for humor, and attorneys never missed a chance.

The first story isn’t true, but I include it here because Grimmer told it so well.

*


Judge Pucci was getting ready to sentence a criminal defendant and asked, “Does the defendant have anything to say before I pass sentence?”

“Not a Goddamned thing,” muttered the defendant.

“What’s that?” asked Judge Pucci. “What did the defendant say?”

“ ‘Not a Goddamned thing, your honor,’ ” yelled the court clerk.

“That’s funny,” said Pucci. “I could have sworn I saw his lips move.”

*

Judge Grimmer swears that the rest of these stories are true.


*

We used to have a thing called “Project Intercept” that was for first-time petty theft offenders. You had to be screened first [before being admitted to the program] and the screening process was to find out if it really was your first-time offense.

There was this cute little girl from Project Intercept who used to appear in Roy Pucci’s court and the standard line from the bench would be “You’ve been referred to Project Intercept. What does Project Intercept say?” And she would say, “Well, we’ve screened him and found him acceptable.”

Roy was on the bench one day and I was sitting in the front row where the attorneys sit and [long-time local attorney] Allan Gorelick was sitting next to me. And the girl from Project Intercept said about the defendant, “We’ve screened him and found him acceptable.”

Roy said, “What’d she say?” and Al Gorelick said, “We screwed him and found him acceptable, your honor.”

“Oh, okay.”

*

The next few stories involve legendary Judge Thomas Lester Foley, about whom I have written briefly before.

*

Most of the stories I know about T.L. Foley are from when he was retired and he sat on assignment in the Fremont Court when one of the judges was on vacation. In those days those departments did everything. They did traffic, they did jury trials, they did unlawful detainers – all in the same day.

So T.L. was sitting in Fremont one day and I had two clients in front of him. It seems the City of Fremont had recently passed an anti-cruising ordinance covering Fremont Boulevard, which made it illegal to park in certain places after a certain time. These two fellows had gotten off work, they’d gone down to a local hamburger stand, got their hamburgers and pulled off to the side of the street to eat their hamburgers. They weren’t cruising at all. And the sign that prohibited them from being there was covered by a tree so they couldn’t see it from where they parked. A cop came along and wrote them a citation. It was something like a $170 citation, which in 1978 – or thereabouts – was a hell of a lot of money. So they came to me and said “What can we do?” and I said, “Well, you know, I’m not going to charge you anything, but we’re going to have some fun with this.”

When I went into court, I said “I want to set this for a jury trial.” So they set it for a jury trial when T.L. was there.

Jury trial? Wasn’t this just an ordinary traffic ticket? An infraction? Why a jury trial?

This was a city ordinance, so it was a misdemeanor and therefore entitled to a jury trial.

In those days, when they would call the jury trials, all the attorneys and the District Attorney – in this case, the District Attorney was Leon Mezzetti – would go into chambers and they’d start going through the cases: you know, which ones are ready to go and stuff like that; and it finally came to me and the judge said, “What do you have, Grimmer?” and I said “I have this violation of a city ordinance, anti-cruising, parking in an illegal area; it’s a misdemeanor and I demand a jury trial.”

T.L. looked at me and said, “There’s no way in hell I’m going to go to a jury trial on a case like that.” And he looked at Mezzetti and said, “Mezzetti, you give him whatever he wants and get rid of this case.”

So Mezzetti said, “I’ll tell you what. You go and look in the Vehicle Code and find something that’s a non-moving violation and I’ll go along with it.” When the clerk called our case later, we had found a statute and I said, “Your honor, we’re going to plead to Vehicle Code such-and-such.”

T.L. said, “What’s that? I’m not familiar with that.” And Mezzetti said “That’s parking in a snow zone. And it’s been agreed that the fine will be $50 each.”

“Fine.”

I ended up paying the fine for both of them. But, you know, T.L. just didn’t blush. “Fine. I don’t care, I’ll go along with anything.” But I’ll guarantee you they were the only persons who have ever been convicted of parking in a snow zone in Fremont, California.

*

When he was sitting in that same department — this was Department 2 of the old Fremont Court – he was doing traffic. And I think we were waiting for him to finish his traffic trials. And Lisa Faria was there; she was the D.A. This was back when the D.A. used to put on the traffic trials. [For many years now, traffic trials are strictly between the citing officer and the defendant. No District Attorney.]

So Mezzetti had this officer from Newark testifying and he said, “I’m sitting using my such-and-such radar unit at such-and-such a place…” and T.L. stopped him and said, “You’re using a radar gun?” “Yes.” “Are you still doing traffic?” “Yes.” “Are you still using the radar gun?” “Yes.” “Are you using it today?” The officer said, “Well as a matter of fact, I am.” “Do you know where you’re going to be about 1:30 today?” “Well, yeah, I know approximately where I’m going to be parked. Why, your honor?”

“Well, I’ll tell you. I just bought me a new fuzz-buster and I want to see if it works.”

This was in open court! And T.L. looked at Lisa and said, “Lisa, here’s what we’re gonna do. When we finish here, I’m gonna take you out to lunch and then you and I are gonna go see if my fuzz-buster works.” And this was the only time I remember that Lisa couldn’t say a word.

It turned out that T.L.’s wife was in a convalescent home run by, I think it was the Mormons, and she was in a home for Alzheimer’s patients in Salt Lake City. So he would routinely get in his Cadillac and drive to Salt Lake City over the weekend. He’d be driving on I-80, and they use radar on the freeways there and that’s why he bought himself a fuzz-buster: to make sure that he didn’t get caught.

*

But probably the best story about T.L. that I know is this: In those days, all of the court appointments [for attorneys to represent indigent defendants] for misdemeanors were handed out by the judges. So the clerk would call you up and say, “You want this appointment?”

So it seems there was a big fight in this particular neighborhood. The cops came to break up a loud party and it turned out to be a drunken brawl with the partygoers fighting the cops. And people were arrested for drunk in public, resisting arrest, battery on a police officer, and the whole nine yards. Seven defendants, charged with one complaint. And all of them pleaded not guilty.

Now, there was no way they could try this in the Fremont courtroom, so they made a courtroom out of the auditorium at the Niles Veteran Hall, which is right across the street from where I grew up. They set up a jury box with folding chairs and set up folding tables for the counsel tables. And they brought in T.L. specifically to try this case.

Mezzetti was the D.A. on this case too and I had two of the defendants. I represented one as a court-appointed attorney and another one as private counsel. He couldn’t qualify for a Public Defender or a court-appointed attorney because he had a job. You couldn’t represent two defendants in the same trial today because of conflict of interest.

So in the process of voir dire [questioning potential jury members to see if they are acceptable], this one lady was being questioned – I think her name was Ferrari. And T.L. said, “Oh, it’s you, Mrs. Ferrari, isn’t it?”

“Mrs. Ferarri, don’t you own the liquor store at the corner of such-and-such?”

“Yes, I do.”

“And is it going to be a hardship on you and your husband for you to serve on this jury?”

“Well, it is going to be somewhat of a hardship.”

“Oh, and by the way, don’t you have one of the greatest wine collections in the whole area down in the basement of your liquor store?”

“Well, yes, we do.”

“Now, you serve liquor there. Do you think you might be prejudiced in favor of these people because they’re accused of being drunk?”

“Oh, I don’t know, your honor.”

So T.L. said, “Would one of you attorneys down there feel that maybe you should be exercising one of your challenges – probably not for cause, but one of your [limited] peremptory challenges because there’s some real problems with this?

“Grimmer, what about YOU?”

Well, what do you say? “Challenge, your honor.”

*

I told him the story about my retired partner, B.G. Moore, and Foley at the six-martini lunch, after which Foley reamed B.G. a new one in open court.

Absolutely. That’s exactly correct. And I had that experience, showing up one time for an afternoon pre-trial, and Foley was absolutely smashed. Absolutely smashed.

And you really didn’t know how to act. You’re just a young pup, you know, and you don’t know whether you’re going to talk to him in a very simple manner trying to explain what’s going on or you’re going to talk legalese to him or what.

But…if you didn’t show him respect when he passed gas, he would ream you right there on the spot. Nobody would stop him. I mean there was no such thing as the Commission on Judicial Performance, otherwise he would have had all kinds of problems.

I wrote a piece in my blog about how “favors were done…” of the kind you just can’t do today. Dismissing traffic tickets and the like.

Favors were done.

I went to see Bob [now-retired Judge Robert K., also known as “Bye-Bye”] Byers one time on Christmas Eve. A client had paid to have me to go and talk to Judge Byers about letting her son out for Christmas. The guy had served about 90 days on a 180-day sentence. And Byers was actually there working on Christmas Eve.

So we called the DA up. And Byers just lit into me. He gave me, “Do you think I should let this guy out so he can be with his family on Christmas Day and then have him embarrass me by not coming back? You’re coming in here on Christmas Eve and you think you can work on my sympathy?”

This is all in chambers, and the District Attorney isn’t saying a word.

“What kind of guy do you think I am that Christmas Eve could change the way I do business?

“…But I’ll let him out.”

*

You know what? That’s history that you just don’t have nowadays. It just couldn’t occur today.

I was talking to [Judge] George Hernandez today and told him what I was going to do and he said, “You know, that’s great. That’s something that we’ve lost here. We had a whole history of characters in the legal community here and as we’ve become more sophisticated, as we’ve become more – what’s the word – “urbanized,” we’ve lost all of that. We used to be able to tell these stories. Now you say “T.L. Foley” to somebody and they wouldn’t know who you were talking about.

Like Norma Desmond said in Sunset Blvd., “We had faces then.” Only in this context it’s “We had characters then.”

We had characters then. That’s exactly right.

Important Mental Health Care Issue Unaddressed

This just in from one of our roving (or, rather, surfing) correspondents:

The Toughest Decision:  Should My Loved One Be Placed In an Assisted Computing Facility (ACF)?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will ever face:  to accept that a loved one – a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling – is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision.  The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an assisted Computing Facility (ACF).  But you have questions. So many questions!

We at Silicon Pines want to help.

What exactly is an “ACF?”

Sometimes referred to as “Homes for the Technologically Infirm,” “Technical Invalid Care Centers,” or “Homes for the Technically Challenged,” ACFs are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks.  Most fully accredited ACFs, such as Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

Who should be in an ACF?

Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them.  But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal.  You must ask yourself:  “How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an e mail attachment?”  “How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?”  “How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, ‘Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard?  Hahaha!’”

To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can’t figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read “I’m Glad I’m in Here! – A Resident’s Story.”

Must it be family, or can I place anyone in an ACF?

Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs.  At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment.  The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged.  For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.

How much will it cost?

ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month.  The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry.  Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.

Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (Help-Desk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.

Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs.  Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident’s monthly bill, but there is a catch.  ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more.  Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.

How old must I be to have someone committed?

Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member.  However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents.  In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a “danger to themselves and the community.”  According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the ILoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an ILoveYou e mail and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, “it came from someone we know.”

What should I look for in an ACF?

First, make sure it’s a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility.  To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably ‘assisted living.’  On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, “I’m supposed to figure that out?  I’m not Bill Gates you know!,” this is probably ‘assisted computing.’

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks.  However, only a facility’s Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents’ questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse.  Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to “learn” or “improve.”

Can a resident ever get out?

No.

OK, this sounds promising.  How can I learn more?

For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page.  But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists.  WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.

There Ought To Be a Law

The world would be a much better place if there were a law…

–Allowing parents to make their houses “payable on death” the way bank accounts are.  The parents could change this disposition at any time, the way they can on bank accounts.  Real property, if titled this way, would not have to go through probate.

–Saying that a spouse who is required to put the other spouse on title when refinancing a home, retains full ownership of the property.  Adding a spouse when re-fiing would not be considered a “gift” to the non-owner spouse.

–Allowing motorists to run down skateboarders older than 16.  Maybe there should be a bag limit, such as “no more than three per calendar year.”  There is nothing more obnoxious than a 20-year-old skateboarder zipping in front of your car without regard to traffic signals.  Shouldn’t these kids be doing honest work, such as robbing banks or dealing drugs?

–Mandating that anyone under the age of 21 caught driving a BMW, Accura, Lexis or high-end Toyota or Nissan be subjected to random searches for contraband substances.  Where do these kids get these cars, anyway?

–Making the listening to any of Lloyd Weber’s music a misdemeanor.

–Saying that mariachi bands may not play “Cielito Lindo” more often than once every 90 minutes.

–Authorizing a mandatory five-day jail sentence for signal-jumpers.

–Prohibiting radio station helicopters from circling over residential neighborhoods.

–Permitting marriage for any two committed adults.

–Requiring everybody to have an Advance Health Care Directive or a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care.

–Prohibiting cats from wandering free to crap in my vegetable garden, the same as city and county ordinances prohibit dogs from running free.

–Requiring the DMV to administer drivers’ tests (not just written tests) every two or three years to licenced drivers over 65 or 70.

–Requiring all dogs and cats to be microchipped.

–Making it illegal to challenge the citizenship of a current or former President of the United States without credible evidence.

Wild Animals, Razor Blades and Bird Seed

Sell a disposable product, make a fortune.

Heinz Ruhe was a big, jolly German whose family had been in the wild animal business for four generations.

During colonial African days, before people much cared about saving endangered species – well, maybe before there were much in the way of endangered species in Africa, and even before the days of expensive safaris with the white man killing lions, rhinos and elephants merely pour le sport, not to mention well before the days of Ernest Hemingway and Robert Ruark – Heinz’s great-grandfather established a series of “catching stations” in Africa.  Wildebeeste, monkeys, chimps, gorillas, giraffes: you name it, they caught it.

All of these products went on the market in Europe and America, for zoos (both private and public) , circuses and roadside parks.

Grandfather Ruhe took over from great-grandfather, father took over from grandfather and Heinz’s older brother, Hermann, took over from father.  Somewhere around the time of World War I, the catching stations were largely abandoned and the family began to move in other – but still animal-related – directions.  They operated the Hanover Zoo for many years and, after World War II, developed a series of wild-animal parks in Germany, Spain, South America and California.

In European tradition, Heinz and younger brother Lutz didn’t inherit the family business, although they worked in it for a while until they found there was no future for them.  So they struck out on their own and developed a traveling “baby zoo,” specializing in baby exotic animals which they would buy from zoos, from the Ruhe family or from other animal traders, exhibit until they had passed the “cute” stage and then sell back to a zoo or another animal broker.

At any given time, their baby zoo might feature a giant Galapagos tortoise (on which kids could ride), pygmy African goats (which the kids could feed), a harbor seal, baby elephant, baby llamas, baby exotic cattle and pygmy horses (all of which the kids could pet), baby capuchin monkeys, baby chimps, a baby (or, sometimes, pygmy) hippo, and lion cubs which were put on display at bottle-feeding time and which the kids could sometimes pet.

(They eventually had to give up on the lion cubs, since lions are such prolific breeders in captivity that they became a glut on the market.  Most zoos have their lions on birth control and you can’t even give a cub away once it reaches adolescence.)

After spending a couple of years in southern California, they began traveling north, where they struck a deal with the struggling Oakland Zoo to operate a baby zoo as a concession.  A few years later, the San Jose Zoo was closed down amid a minor scandal involving mistreatment of animals and misuse of public funds.  The brothers Ruhe then contracted with San Jose’s Parks and Recreation Department to remodel and reopen the zoo as the San Jose Baby Zoo.

That’s where I met Heinz, when I was hired as the public relations director for the San Jose Baby Zoo.  But that’s not the point of the story.

*

Heinz was only 20 years my senior (he died that same year at age 46), but had an entire extra lifetime’s experience over me.  He introduced me to quality coffee beans years before Starbucks became ubiquitous, pushed me to share his entrepreneurial dreams and encouraged me to travel to Sacramento to lobby the California Assembly to amend a proposed bill about importation of wild animals to make it less zoo-unfriendly.

He also refused to become flustered and could find the humor in almost any situation.  I was still pretty brash and hot-headed and would occasionally make remarks that might be – how shall we say? – possibly true, but not exactly diplomatic under the circumstances.

“Oh, Ho, HO!”  Heinz’s laugh would boom, followed, in an accent that sounded almost exactly like Henry Kissinger’s, by “Now, Steve, you don’t really mean that!”

But that’s not the point of the story, either.

*

Before they left the family business to strike out on their own, Heinz and Lutz were sent to New York to manage a new Ruhe venture: importing canaries from Germany to supply a growing market for the songbirds in the states and for further export to South America, then swarming with German immigrants.

Business was fairly profitable for a couple of years until another German immigrant took Heinz aside one day and gave him a neighborly bit of advice: get out while you can.

*

The Ruhe family home and business for several generations had been located in the German village of Alfeld, about halfway between Hanover to the north and the Harz Mountains to the southeast.  About 150 km south of Alfeld, and just next door to the Harz Mountains was the village of Fulda, home of the Stern family.  So the Ruhes and the Sterns were ancestral neighbors, so to speak.

According to their on-line biography, brothers Max and Gustav Stern emigrated to the United States and began importing canaries in 1926 and, six years later, began manufacturing canary food under the label “Hartz Mountain.”

According to Heinz’s report, one of the Stern brothers approached him one day and suggested that he and Lutz should begin making arrangements to close down their canary business.  Possibly taking a page from King Gillette’s marketing model (the profit not being in the sale of the razor but in the sale of disposable blades), the Brothers Stern planned to vastly increase their bird seed sales by vastly increasing canary ownership.  In other words, they were going to sell canaries well below cost, practically giving them away.

Had it not been for this friendly warning, the Ruhes might have been ruined.

Heinz, who bubbled over with promotional ideas but never himself hit on the big one, held no grudge against the Sterns; in fact, he seemed to find the story amusing.

The Stern brothers did so well for themselves that they eventually branched into real estate and Hartz Mountain today is one of the largest holders of commercial real estate in the United States.  And all from bird seed, cuttlebone and more than a little grit.

Model City — Chapter 5

(Egad, I can’t believe I posted a chapter out of order.  Can you develop dyslexia later in life or was it just another example of ADD [Adult Attention Disorder]?)

Dimicks

My brother Bill runs a still on the hill
Where he turns out a gallon or two

Bascom Lamar Lunsford and Lulu Belle Wiseman, “Mountain Dew”

1630 -1940

Nobody came to Oklahoma from the west.  Like all Oklahomans then, my father’s folks came from all over the southeast and northeast: Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio, Indiana, Connecticut, Massachusetts.  Add Kansas to the list, but Kansas was only a place to stop and rest before moving on.

Thomas Dimick (Dimmock, Dimock) emigrated to Massachusetts from England in the late 1630’s, first residing in Dorcester and finally settling in Barnstable, where he became a founder and selectman.  He served as a judge, town officer, and, in 1650 was named Elder of the church of Barnstable.  He was also on the Plymouth Colony Council of War and a Lieutenant of Militia in 1642.  According to Dr. Alan R. Dimick, now retired from the University of Alabama at Birmingham School of Medicine, and the leading Dimick scholar in America, “The early history of Barnstable and Thomas Dimick cannot be separated….He was the leading man and in some way connected with all acts of the first settlers.”

Some researchers assert that Thomas was the son of Edward Dymoke of Pinchbeck, England, who was the hereditary King’s Champion at the time.  The King’s Champion, a post largely ceremonial but occasionally very influential, would ride, fully armored,  into the coronation banquet at Westminster Hall after the crowning of a new king, toss down his mailed glove and challenge anyone to deny the right of the new king to rule.

The post dates to William the Conqueror, and for the last several hundred years has been the hereditary right of the Dymokes of Scrivelsby, Lincolnshire.  The last time a Dymoke actually rode his white charger into Westminster was at the coronation ceremony of King George IV in 1821, but the post still exists and a Dymoke still holds it.  A Dymoke carried the Royal Standard in the coronation procession of Elizabeth II, and doubtless will do so for the next king following Elizabeth’s death.

According to this theory of lineage, Thomas married a Puritan before emigrating to Massachusetts.  As a Puritan, he would not want his name connected with the Champions of the titular head of the Church of England, nor would he want his family in England to suffer politically because of his religious conversion.  The Dymokes, although they managed to maintain their hereditary position, had been on shaky political ground and ever-lessening influence since the reign of Elizabeth I, which was not all that long before.  Thomas, therefore, would have severed all ties with his family, creating the lineage gap so frustrating to us amateur genealogists.

This theory may, in fact, be true, but Alan Dimick finds it more wishful thinking than actual fact.  “This line is mentioned and questioned in several sources, none of which offer references of documented vital statistics to definitely make [Thomas Dimick] a descendant of this family.”

*

The Dimick family, with its various spellings, lived in Massachusetts and Connecticut for nearly 200 years before beginning their journey westward.

The older sons were landholders and officeholders.  The younger sons didn’t fare so well, tending to leave for greener pastures and tending not to find them.  My father’s lineage was mostly from young son of younger son of youngest son.

Timothy Dimick (Dimmock/Dimmuck/Dimmick), great-grandson of Elder Thomas Dimick, married Ann Bradford, great-granddaughter of William Bradford, a Mayflower passenger and the first governor of the Massachusetts Colony.  I’m sure that qualifies me for an expensive membership in some exclusive club, but if it’s not San Francisco’s Bohemian Club or the President’s cabinet I’m probably not interested.  Fascinating, nonetheless.

(After spending a couple of years playing amateur genealogist, I discovered the family is linked to Charlemagne, William the Conqueror, Eleanor of Acquitaine, lots of English Henry’s, a few French Louis’s and most everybody else of any importance in European or Eurasian history save Vlad the Impaler.

(In my research, I discovered that Charlemagne, Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire,  was my 35th, 36th, 37th, 38th, 39th, 40th, 41st, 42d, 43d, 44th, 45th and 46th great-grandfather.  I also discovered that everybody of European ancestry is descended from Charlemagne through at least half-a-dozen lines, his children and grandchildren having been so prolific.  Mathematics wouldn’t have it any other way.  The great trick is to find the links.

(And, given wars, conquests, dissolution of the English monasteries – where the birth, death and marriage records were kept until 1538 – and our ancestors’ tendencies to want to wipe the slate clean when they came to America, there are lots of missing links.)

*

Elder Thomas Dimick was my ninth great-grandfather.  As uncommon as the name is, his offspring now number in the scores of thousands all across the country.  I hardly know any of them.

(As an aside, I can’t help but be fascinated by the early Dimicks’ given names: they seem straight out of Hawthorne or Cotton Mather: Adolphus, Cordial (several of these), Thankful (a couple), Asa, Charles Cordial, Sylvanus (also several), Amasa, Miriam, Ephraim, Abner, Josiah, Simeon, Ebenezer, Shubael (a handful), Temperance, Theophilus and Mehitable (another couple.))

*

Albert (GGF), Roy (GF) and Isabel Dimick

Albert (GGF), Roy (GF) and Isabel Dimick

Timothy Dimick and Ann Bradford’s great-grandson, Cordial Dimick, moved to Indiana in the early 1800’s.  Cordial’s son, Adolphus, went from Indiana to Iowa to Kansas.  Adolphus’ grandson, Roy – my grandfather – left Kansas as a teenager and headed for the new state of Oklahoma, where he hoped to make his fortune.  He never found it, but he did find Daisy Crick and my father was born when she was sixteen.  None of the extensive family records indicate a marriage date – probably with good reason.

*

Susan Lucinda Thorneberry

Susan Lucinda Thorneberry (GGM)

Daisy was born in Tennessee and her folks also set out for the Union’s newest state.  Her mother, Susan Thornberry (or Throneberry), was three-quarters Cherokee, but her name wouldn’t appear on the official Cherokee Rolls:  she refused to sign.  She was light-skinned and wanted her children to go to the white schools.  Being a Native American was nothing to be proud of then.  Now, of course, everyone likes to brag about their Indian heritage.

Green and Susan Drake Thorneberry (Great-great grandparents)

Green and Susan Drake Thorneberry (Great-great grandparents)

Dwain was born in 1918, the oldest of nine, on a rented farm in Logan County, Oklahoma, just a few miles outside of Guthrie.  Not much of a farmer, Roy moved his family back and forth between little hardscrabble farms in Kansas and Oklahoma.  The other children, in order, were born in Kansas (Verna, Roy and Warren) and Oklahoma (Bonnie, Norma June and Lawrence Allen.)

Two children died young, one of diphtheria, one of whooping cough and pneumonia, and both less than six months old.

“I don’t remember Verlin, but I remember Twila dying,” says my Auntie Verna.  “Grandma and Grandpa Dimick was there for the funeral and Grandma, mom, Dwain and I were sitting in the back seat.  I had whooping cough, too, and I coughed until I vomited on Grandma’s black dress.  Oh, I just wanted to die, and she was mortified.  She didn’t have any use for grandkids, anyway, and I sure fixed my chances.

The Dimick "tribe" (with inlaws):  back row:  Mildred, Bonnie, Verna, Daisy, Virginia (Warren's wife); Rick (with camera); front row, center:  Warren, Dwain, Dick Collins

The Dimick "tribe" (with inlaws): back row: Mildred, Bonnie, Verna, Daisy, Virginia (Warren's wife); Rick (with camera); front row, center: Warren, Dwain, Dick Collins

“Anyway, Norma and Bonnie were born in Guthrie when we still lived in the same house, which was unusual for us.  I was with mom when Lawrence was born [Verna would have been 17 then], and that’s when I decided I would never get married: that was not for me!

“Of course, it was Mom’s fault they had so many kids.  Roy just couldn’t take care of that many, so she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant.

“It takes two to tango, though.  Ha!”

Roy drifted from farming into barbering, becoming, along the way – if he wasn’t, already – alcoholic and tubercular.  He lived with us for a time in the early 50’s, giving me a mild case of TB.  I was too young to remember him though, and by then Daisy was married to Dick Collins, a Chevrolet salesman in Guthrie, and had finally reached the middle class.

On one of my occasional visits to Dwain during the 60’s, he had a visitor: an elderly man still wearing a hat, twenty years out of style.

“This is your grandpa.  My dad.”

“Hi,” I said, not really having a frame of reference, and the conversation didn’t go much farther.  Damned shame.  If he was anything like his oldest son, I could have gotten him to talk about himself all afternoon.

*

Roy also made moonshine.

“I can’t remember when Dad went to barbering school, but I remember we lived in Cambridge, Kansas, when Warren was born and Dad was gone,” says Verna.  “I think he went to Leavenworth [the federal penitentiary in Kansas].

“He made whiskey and the feds came one day and they didn’t find the mash.  It was under about a foot of dirt which was in front of the hothouse where Mom started her plants.  I remember sitting there on the steps and watching them take a shovel and run it into the ground.  They did find the still out in the trees behind the house where Dad cooked it off.

“I used to have to take care of the kids while Mom helped Dad at the still.  Some life.

“Anyway, they took him with them and broke the still all over the ground.  So much for new shoes for a while.  I think he got a year or two; I really don’t remember.”

**

The Depression and then the war virtually redesigned the country.  By 1948, so much had changed in twenty years that people looked upon 1918 or 1928 as ancient history.  And it’s tempting to argue that America has reinvented itself every ten years since: television scrapping the new design for an even newer one in the 1950’s, the space race doing the same thing in the 1960’s, the Vietnam War, ditto in the 1970s and continuing through the fall of Communism, the so-called “peace dividend,” the silicone chip and the dot-com bust.

But at least one constant has remained:  people formed during the Depression and war years were never really re-made.  No matter how comfortable they might later have become, the Depression and the war remain in their souls.  This is particularly true of farmers, even more particularly true of Okies and most of all true of Okie farmers.

“Steve, I have nothing but bad memories of growing up and I don’t think anyone would want to hear it,” Verna continues.  “Like standing in line at the courthouse with a gallon pail to get soured milk?  Mom would make cheese out of it…we couldn’t drink it.

“I remember dust storms so bad you couldn’t breathe.  How much more do you want to know?”

Verna finally cools down a bit and goes on: “We never did own anything.  We rented the farm, and mom went to the field with a team of mules and worked the ground.  We lived on Grandma and Grandpa’s farm for a while when the boys were little.  I was in the third grade.  This was at Cedar Vale, Kansas, and we walked 2 ½ miles there to school.  The teacher would drive right by us and never let us ride.  Seems she couldn’t play favorites, and that’s a sorry excuse if I ever heard one.

“We went to the cotton field when we lived at Crescent and Guthrie, and Mom pulled a cottonsack, and after she would breast feed the baby she would put it on her cottonsack and let it take a nap.  I kept the kids at the wagon where they weighed up and tried to stay in the shade of the wagon.  I baked bread with everlasting yeast on a wood stove when I was nine years old.  I always had to have the meal ready when they got ready to eat, noon or night.

“I think we lived in Crescent when Roy went to barber school and Mom learned from him how to barber, then we wound up in Guthrie later where he rented a small building and put in his own shop.  Haircuts were 15 cents.  No one ever got a shave.

“Then he went up to a quarter after a long time and we nearly starved to death – everyone just put off getting a haircut.  Bread was a nickel a loaf and I had to go to the store every day, barefooted, to get a loaf of bread.  I can still remember how hot the dirt and rocks were on my feet.  Why didn’t Dwain ever have to go?  Beats the hell out of me.

“Oh, and one more thing: Dad made whiskey and bootlegged the whole time he barbered, and was always drinking.

“We lived in the back of the barber shop when he had his shop across the street west of the post office, and we couldn’t make any noise or Dad would come to the door and tell us to cut it out.  We usually tried to play in the alley, or go about three doors on west behind the mission and play.  Before that, we lived on the west side.  The house has been torn down, thank God for small favors!  I don’t have to look at it when I go up there.  I don’t like the town; never did and never will.  I’ll hush now.”

I can get Verna to open up if I only ask her a few questions at a time and not bother her again for a week or so.

“I know that Grandma Crick graduated from college in Tennessee.  What year, I don’t know, but it’s good to know someone in the family got to go to school.  My dad thought I didn’t need an education; I would just get married and it wasn’t necessary.  I told him I wanted him to buy my books so I could go to high school, but he wouldn’t do it.  I had gone all the way through school so far sitting with someone and sharing their books, and I had had enough of that.  So no high school for me.

“I wish now I had kept going.”

*

Dimick Boys:  Waren, Gene, Dwain, Lawrence

Dimick Boys: Waren, Gene, Dwain, Lawrence

Girls weren’t important, but if Roy had had anything to give, the boys would have gotten whatever they wanted.  Since, as Verna says, “we never owned anything,” all Roy could really give them was fantasy.  If I had only been one week earlier at that oil patch, we’d be rich today.  I was just starting to bust through on that rented farm when the drought come.  I was all set to be foreman of that crew, but this other old boy told some stories to the owner, and I got fired.  I told them how they could increase the yield by half, but they wouldn’t listen to me, so I quit.

These refrains are the leitmotifs of the Midwest:

1.  I could have, but luck was against me.

2.  I could have, but outside forces intervened.

3.  I could have, but there was a conspiracy against me.

4.  I could have, but decided not to, based on principle.

I grew up with these stories and this attitude, coming at me from all directions.  All of Dwain’s friends “coulda” made it big but for someone else’s doing.  My school friends all had stories about how their fathers “coulda,” – but for.  Put them all together and you begin to think, “Damn.  If it weren’t for a little bit of bad luck, a conspiracy or their high moral values, everyone in the state of Oklahoma would be filthy rich.”

And that’s pert’-near exactly what they believe.

*

What Roy was able to give to his boys, and particularly to his oldest son, Dwain, was the lesson that they were talented (as Roy believed he was talented, with no evidence at all to back up this claim) and could do anything they set their minds to (as Roy coulda), provided, of course, that factors 1 through 4 didn’t intervene.

Failure was, therefore, not only an option, but was more or less to be expected, although failure would never be their fault.

And two more things: women are only for cooking and sex, and children are only for helping you in the field or reflecting glory on you.

*

Roy was evidently a role model for Dwain as Dwain was for me.  Was Albert the same for Roy?  Or Adolphus the same for Albert?  And what about Elder Thomas Dimick?  Did he beat his animals?  Beat his wife?  Beat his children?  Or does poverty and the prairie do that to a man?

*

“I could take those mules and make ‘em put up with the harness,” Dwain said.  “I’d cut a branch and get a piece of line and by the end of the afternoon, they’d be pulling that plow just as pretty as anything…I mean straight rows.  Not even my dad could work those mules the way I could.  You just have to show ‘em who’s boss.

“One day I come home and saw my dad drunk and slapping my ma.  I grabbed a two-by out of the barn and said, ‘You son of a bitch.  If you ever hit her again, I’ll kill you.’  I don’t think he ever did.”

Dwain failed to learn from experience – or maybe he learned all too well.

*

Around age 18, Dwain’s life-long fondness for pussy first got him in trouble.  His first child, Dwain Lee Dimick, Jr., was born in 1937.  Dwain was 19.  Before the war broke out, he was divorced.

Mister Manners

Or, “Now which fork would you use?”

My friend Brian and I think we must be the only two people who stand over the kitchen sink during bing cherry season, eating cherries and spitting the pits into the garbage disposal.

*

There’s something satisfying about tossing food scraps.  Maybe it’s a racial memory of Vikings or English lords in their castles or mead halls, with straw spread all over the floor and the dogs fighting over the mutton bones casually tossed away when the diners were finished with them.

*

Or that longing for decadence we feel when watching the Russian cavalry officers in an old movie down their large shots of vodka and then all fling their glasses into the fireplace.

*

Years ago, two friends, a different wife and I planned a picnic on the Marin County Headlands.  Cold fried chicken and artichokes.  As we finished each bit, we tossed the bones and the leaves over our shoulders into the grass.  It wasn’t littering.  It was all organic.  We carefully took our paper and plastic away with us.

*

But that was outdoors.  Castles and mead halls being in short supply nowadays, different rules apply inside.

*

My nephew from Oklahoma, a kid who used to have no discernable table manners until he started visiting Uncle Steve and Auntie Marianne, was out here last month with his parents for freshman orientation at UC Santa Cruz.  One night we ordered Indian take-out, including tandoori chicken.  Cabot started to pick up a leg with his fingers, and I cleared my throat loudly.  He’d temporarily forgotten his etiquette.

“Can you look straight up and see the sky?” I kidded him.  “And, by the way, I didn’t notice until now that you’re drinking a Coke out of a can.  We don’t do that indoors, either.”

Cabot looked up at the ceiling and said, “Well, I do have a vivid imagination.”

It’s no wonder I love that boy.  He has a wicked sense of humor, just like his Unca Steve.

*

Or like the lady used to say about her son on “Dobie Gilles,” “Such a nasty boy!”

*

When Cabot’s older brother was ready to go off to college, his parents had to pay a thousand bucks to send him to a crash course in etiquette, where he finally learned, among other things, the proper use of tableware and the true purpose of a napkin.  He’d grown up like an enfant sauvage, and we jokingly offered to teach the younger kid all of these niceties for half the price.  But Cab has visited what they call “the left coast” so often, that he really doesn’t need a formal course – only the occasional reminder.

*

Like his uncle before him, Cab doesn’t want to be an Okie.  He wants to be civilized.

*

Cab’s mother, my sister-in-law, didn’t understand at all why it’s bad form to eat with your fingers or drink a soda out of a can when at an indoor dinner table.

“Now, why is that?” she asked.

“It’s called manners,” I replied.