CNN:  All the News That’s Fit To Ignore

I kid you not; these are actual headlines from CNN’s home page over the past week.  I have no desire to actually read any of the stories.  Imagination is so much more fun.


“Breast implant ad: Buy one get one free” – OK, what’s the gimmick, here?  Is the free one a return?  Does it already have 10,000…uh…miles…on it?  Is it the same size?  Does it point to 3 o’clock?


“911 call: Raccoon stuck in peanut butter jar” – Have you ever had peanut butter stuck on the roof of your mouth?  And in your paws?  And your whiskers?


“Urinal for her lets ladies, um, like a man” – You mean pee all over the toilet seat?


“Bare-bottom rock climber stops traffic” – He was 350 pounds and covered with hair.


“ ‘Tight pants’ woman jailed for not paying fine” – Maybe she should have used her assets.


“Hiker falls after accepting proposal” – She was bowled over.


“Neighbors get in tug-of-war over kitten” – Must have been two men fighting over a pussy.


“Women face trial for glued penis revenge” – Isn’t that carrying penis envy a bit too far?  Is a  “glued penis” the opposite of a Bobbit?



“How to get rich off the weather” – Buy in low-pressure areas, sell in high.


“Bush ’shoe thrower’ to be freed from Iraqi jail” – And I’ll bet he hot-foots it out of there.


“Zebra bites girl’s finger” – That’s not news.  Girl bites zebra: now THAT’s news.


“Semi stopped carrying $4.5M in cocaine” – Did it stop cold turkey or check into a clinic?


“Police check sweatshirt in missing boy case” – I think we would have heard if he were in there.  Maybe they should look in his shoes next.


“Cop stops naked motorcyclist” – Probably for not wearing a helmet.