Or: How I got into trouble this week
Here was the e-mail which the Castro Valley Chamber of Commerce forwarded to all members of its board of directors. It was written by the Oakland Metropolitan Chamber of Commerce.
Public Service Announcement
Support the Oakland A’s
“In recent months, senior Oakland city and business officials have been meeting with Major League Baseball (MJB) about the future location of the Oakland A’s baseball franchise. We are proud to say that Oakland is putting its best foot forward with this effort and that the time has come for the larger business community to express its support for keeping the A’s franchise in Oakland.
“Please help us communicate the support of the East Bay business community for the A’s by sending a letter of support. A draft letter is attached – please put it on your company’s letterhead, sign it, and mail it back…”
ALL I SAID in my reply was:
“Humbug, poppycock and balderdash!
“Even if I gave a flying fuck about baseball, I could never endorse the position of an organization that thinks the initials for “Major League Baseball” are “MJB.” MJB is a coffee. Major League Baseball is a monopolistic organization dedicated to paying obscene salaries to illiterate knuckle-walkers to spit, scratch their balls and play a children’s game on television.”
Unfortunately, when I replied, I didn’t realize that “info@blahblah.com” sent the reply to all of the board members. Jeez, I thought it was sent back only to the sender.
Well. The wrath of God descended upon my head. You’d think I was one of those people who – if you are up on your Bible – pisseth against the wall.
Who the hell am I to be dissing the Oakland A’s? What’s the matter with me that I don’t like sports? Why don’t I go back to Russia where I belong? This was supposed to be funny? Well it wasn’t! (I don’t guess they’ve ever read anything else I’ve written.) I should re-examine what it is in my make-up that leads me to send out ugly e-mails like this. I must have been drunk.
Oh…and the dirty word offended some of the more delicate sensibilities on the board.
(But I wasn’t drunk. I still think it was funny. I still don’t give a flying fuck about the Oakland A’s. I just sent it to the wrong people. Should have posted it here. I’ll know better next time. This is a much better forum – although it would be better still if anybody actually read it.)
The person who read me the riot act was practically hyperventilating. Even the wife agreed with her and didn’t speak to me for a couple of days, although she didn’t really know what it was all about. But I should re-examine what it is in my make-up that leads me to send out ugly e-mails like this. I must have been drunk.
It is axiomatic that Steve is wrong.
So I sent out an abject apology and now NOBODY is speaking to me.
But, as I said in my apology, “I think that anybody who hits the wrong button when replying to an e-mail deserves whatever he gets.”
And boy did I get it.
I suppose someday we’ll all look back on this and laugh.
In the meantime, scratch one director.
But I still think they’re illiterate knuckle-walkers who get paid obscene salaries for spitting and scratching their balls.
Some people just have no sense of humor.