…I don’t even need to read.
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Who wants to read the story behind these CNN headlines when you can fill in the blanks for yourself?
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Man sought whose wife, 5 children killed. Not nice, those children were. Searching for grieving father, police are.
The secrets inside your dog’s mind. Ohboy, ohboy, it’s kibble again. Where’s a leg I can hump?
Fighter jet missing 5 decades found off California. I’d be afraid to fly in a jet missing only one or two of its decades.
Dog-fighting ring run at daycare, cops say. Why don’t they leave the poor dogs alone and have the kids fight?
Blight could be here to stay. In time the Rockies may crumble, Gibralter may tumble, they’re only made of clay, but blight could be here to stay.
Stocks slip after confidence drops. Isn’t this what the newspaper biz calls a “label head?” In other words, it could be run day after day, week after week?
Soul is the ultimate G-spot for happiness. Yes, but how do you reach it with a vibrator?
No sex with roommate present. Aw, gee. You’re takin’ all of the fun out of it.
Wonder Woman slams ’skinny-girl look’. She’s just contemptuous of girls with smaller boobs.
Gorilla and wheelchair lost, now found. Excuse me, but just how do you “lose” a gorilla in a wheelchair??
Soldier dies after receiving smoker’s lungs. Hey, you have to be careful about those transplant donors.
Man says fiancee mistaken for intruder shot. What’s an “intruder shot?” And just how ugly is it?
Man marries woman with identical name. Aw, this is just too easy.
Born with half a brain, woman living full life. Oh, don’t tempt me; I’ll catch hell from my wife and female friends.
GOPer spends week on deserted island. Isn’t that where they all live?
Astronauts invite Bono to space station. If I were an astronaut, I’d rather have Cher.
Hydration trumps sex. Or precedes it, maybe. I was just talking to my pretty next-door neighbor yesterday about lubrication…er…hydration.
Egyptian woman protest ban on austere veil. Her do? They does?
How many troops are enough for Afghanistan? How many troops could a troopship ship if a troopship could ship troops?
Billed twice for one night. Damn that girl. I knew I shouldn’t have given her my credit card number.
Teens Turn to Prostitution. They’ve been doing that in my home town for years: a bj will get you a ride home or maybe even the answers to the math homework.
Inmate rappels to freedom using bedsheets. Shades of 1930s movies, or of “Alice’s Restaurant:” “I said, ‘Officer Obie, I can understand you taking my wallet so I don’t have any money to spend in the cell. And I can understand you taking the toilet seat out so I don’t hit myself over the head with the seat and drown. And I can understand you taking the toilet paper out, so’s I don’t bend the bars, roll the toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. But what do you want my with my belt?’ He said, ‘Kid, we don’t want any hangin’s.’ I said, ‘Officer Obie, did you think I was gonna hang myself for litterin’?”