You heard it here first.
(AP) “I feel so ashamed for my family,” said Anuk the Alameda, California, polar bear Monday as federal agents escorted him in chains to a black limousine retrofitted with a steel cage. “They trusted my word and I led them astray.”
Anuk, who gained local fame by claiming to be driven from his native habitat on the verge of starving, was arrested for impersonating an endangered species after a federal sting operation caught him on tape admitting that he emigrated to the San Francisco Bay Area because he prefers a Mediterranean climate and that he is actually overweight from a diet of fresh eggs and pizza with extra anchovies.
Anuk’s owner/caretaker, real estate mogul Steve Andersen, said he and his wife were “devastated” at the news.
“We trusted him,”Andersen told reporters. “In fact, he was the only one we trusted. I mean, we didn’t even trust Steve Dimick, which shows you how careful we are.
“And then we find out it was all a hoax. They tell me now that the Arctic ice cap is actually growing and polar bears are becoming a nuisance. The only reason they’re hungry is because they’ve devoured all of the anchovy stocks for miles around. They’ve even been seen prowling the streets in Wasilla, Alaska, looking for pizza parlors.
“I don’t know how we can ever trust anyone again,” Andersen said sadly.